Complaint Department

Carlisle has once again convinced me to do something I'm not sure I really should be doing, but here goes:
I am going to start a complaint department.

Yes, yes, I know, stupid idea.... stupid, stupid idea. But, *apparently,* there were some people that complained about the quality of our socks over on another site run by large, masculine women [Mulligan still doesn't seem to get there is no relation between amazon.com and Greek mythology. Just so you know, I really did try... but some battles just aren't worth the cost]. Carlisle insists that it is actually a decent company, despite the unnaturally virile ownership, but I just cannot see it. What kind of company allows customers to openly bash the products it sells? Absolute nonsense is the only way to describe it. In any case, Carlisle claims that the best way we can stop customers from badmouthing us on other sites is, surprisingly not through violence or any threat of violence, but rather by letting them complain to us instead. If people can complain to us, Carlisle claims they will be less likely to talk about us on other sites. Thus, the complaint department.

However, because I hate bad news, and because (let's be honest here), I'm not going to spend time reading a bunch of complaints, I've come up with what I view to be an entirely elegant compromise:
I've outsourced the complaint response department to India, and hired a call-center for the equivalent of a nickel an hour. I've also talked to my marketing gurus over in R and R (which, coincidently, I thought stood for rest and relaxation, but they corrected me and assured me that they are being paid to do something important. Never figure out exactly *what* that was....but oh well), and they informed me that the notion of a "complaint department" negative, and proceeded to do some sort of complex, demographically relevant survey. The data they came back to me with, informed me that a better name for our new complaint department is this:
Consumer Response and Survey Bureau 
Except in Indiana, where the apparently most demographically relevant name was:
El Talking Back Place 
I'll have to admit I was a little surprised [and I am going to have to look into the polling methods for our R and R department.... their results seem disturbingly familiar to those of most news network polls.... no way it can be a coincidence.]

Also, because I like compliments, the Consumer Response and Survey Bureau / El Talking Back Place also accepts compliments and constructive comments. Examples of a good constructive comment would be something like:

Your socks are way softer than those other brands.
or
Perhaps your socks could be used as a dog muzzle? (Side note: Carlisle, look into that one for a possible market).

Whereas a good compliment would be something like:
 You're awesome!
or
I wish you ruled the world! (And yes, Timmy, I do too).

So there you have it. When you send a complaint, comment, or compliment to the Mulligan Manufacturing Consumer Response and Survey Bureau, this is what will happen: