Complaint Department

Carlisle has once again convinced me to do something I'm not sure I really should be doing, but here goes:
I am going to start a complaint department.

Yes, yes, I know, stupid idea.... stupid, stupid idea. But, *apparently,* there were some people that complained about the quality of our socks over on another site run by large, masculine women [Mulligan still doesn't seem to get there is no relation between amazon.com and Greek mythology. Just so you know, I really did try... but some battles just aren't worth the cost]. Carlisle insists that it is actually a decent company, despite the unnaturally virile ownership, but I just cannot see it. What kind of company allows customers to openly bash the products it sells? Absolute nonsense is the only way to describe it. In any case, Carlisle claims that the best way we can stop customers from badmouthing us on other sites is, surprisingly not through violence or any threat of violence, but rather by letting them complain to us instead. If people can complain to us, Carlisle claims they will be less likely to talk about us on other sites. Thus, the complaint department.

However, because I hate bad news, and because (let's be honest here), I'm not going to spend time reading a bunch of complaints, I've come up with what I view to be an entirely elegant compromise:
I've outsourced the complaint response department to India, and hired a call-center for the equivalent of a nickel an hour. I've also talked to my marketing gurus over in R and R (which, coincidently, I thought stood for rest and relaxation, but they corrected me and assured me that they are being paid to do something important. Never figure out exactly *what* that was....but oh well), and they informed me that the notion of a "complaint department" negative, and proceeded to do some sort of complex, demographically relevant survey. The data they came back to me with, informed me that a better name for our new complaint department is this:
Consumer Response and Survey Bureau 
Except in Indiana, where the apparently most demographically relevant name was:
El Talking Back Place 
I'll have to admit I was a little surprised [and I am going to have to look into the polling methods for our R and R department.... their results seem disturbingly familiar to those of most news network polls.... no way it can be a coincidence.]

Also, because I like compliments, the Consumer Response and Survey Bureau / El Talking Back Place also accepts compliments and constructive comments. Examples of a good constructive comment would be something like:

Your socks are way softer than those other brands.
or
Perhaps your socks could be used as a dog muzzle? (Side note: Carlisle, look into that one for a possible market).

Whereas a good compliment would be something like:
 You're awesome!
or
I wish you ruled the world! (And yes, Timmy, I do too).

So there you have it. When you send a complaint, comment, or compliment to the Mulligan Manufacturing Consumer Response and Survey Bureau, this is what will happen:

Agendas. Agenda? Agendae? Agendicon?

The day you thought would never come has arrived! Hahaha...Minions.
I'm excited. Carlisle is excited [I'm not], my mother is excited, my pet goldfish Sun Tzu is excited. You should be excited too!
Today, I am set to reveal, unveil, relinquish the air of mystery from, announce, etc., etc., blah blah syngeristic lingo blah blah blah...
Oh, hey! It's a Twinkie I didn't finish yesterday.... I wonder if it's still good [Does it matter?]....perhaps if I just... Yup! Still good.
Oh. Anyway. That's not what I'm revealing. What I'm revealing is so massively awe-inspiringly, hamburger-dropping awesome that not even Leonard Nemoy singing could ruin how great this is [...actually I'm pretty sure it would at least come close...]. I am revealing . . .


. . .wait for it . . .




. . .wait some more . . .

THE OFFICIAL MULLIGAN MANUFACTURING AGENDA LIST 

*You may scream and jump up and down excitedly with my pet Jack Russell terriers now*

[It's really not that big of a deal... his terriers jump up and down excitedly at anything. Even the thought of jumping up and down excitedly sets them off to it.]

1. Take over the world. Is any explanation needed?
2.  Sell more socks than Hanes. Or, alternately, buy Hanes, which would likely necessitate selling more socks than they do, so I think this can really just be chalked up to one point.
3. Start a second manufacturing plant in Australia. This is pretty much a rule of thumb among villains at this point. Once you rule the world, Australia is one of two things: A bargaining chip / consolation prize to give to the people that helped you take over the world, or a backup base of operations to fall back to if it turns out the worst possible scenario is true (that there are actually superheroes whose existence has been covered up by the government).
4.Trick anyone standing in my way to start a land war in Asia and then sit back and  watch the carnage flow. This really has nothing to do with the first three, but I think it would be a useful way to dispatch my enemies, as well as a good chance to watch exciting, live coverage on my 63in. HD Plasma while sipping a glass of iced tea. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.
5. Learn my grandmother's original strawberry milkshake recipe.  Okay, so this may not seem as important (or corporate) as my other points, but I consider this just as important as points 2-4. I even have half of my R and D team working on reverse engineering this on Saturdays.... curse those overtime laws... But it's worth it.
6. Get a Cat, and name it Hades. All the best villains have cats with awesome, powerful names. I may or may not call him Mr. Hadey-wadey when no one is around however....
7.Find a way to either train or mind control various terrifying animals (particularly clowns and monkeys), and use them as an overwhelming force of evil to complement my Penguin shock-troops.

Now that you have a better idea about what Mulligan is about, I would like to inform you that if you have any questions or comments, you know how to reach us, and if not, well, that's too bad  because it's obvious. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to run or I'll be late for my weekly corporate Zumba class. Bradley works us pretty hard and I don't want to get there late or I'll have to go solo for five minutes, and I don't feel like my moves are bamf enough yet. Till next time, Mwahaha!

Company structure.

While we are still working tirelessly on that Agenda list I may or may not have promised back in 2010, I have a special treat for you! I spent long and tireless hours on the below diagram, which charts the basic structure of Mulligan Manufacturing [I think he actually used Paint, and it took him maybe 5 minutes]. I am, of course, represented by the name of the company itself as its sole dictator and overlord (and boss-man, heck yeah). As you can see, we have our hands in a lot of things, and are proud to bring you the only quality socks and necessary apparel brought to you by a future world-dictator. I hope you appreciate this fact as much as I do. Similarly, I want to apologize for my long absence from this blog. I had a ton of business meetings to attend to since the holiday season [No he didn't... he just got Black Ops for his ps3 and has been playing it nonstop for nearly two months], and there was the matter of that project which fell through down on the fourth floor [Believe it or not, he means that it literally "fell through the floor." That was a crappy day...]. But, as that one guy said that one time, "I'm back baby!" Enjoy:

[Editorial note: I noticed on a later browse through, that I somehow while proof-reading  Mulligan's jpeg above neglected to correct "Assistant's duty's" to what it should be: "Assistant's duties." Considering it is describing my job, I find a slight hint of morbid irony to it....but only a slight hint. I apologize for any damage my negligence may have done to your grammatical sensibilities. -Carlisle]