Complaint Department

Carlisle has once again convinced me to do something I'm not sure I really should be doing, but here goes:
I am going to start a complaint department.

Yes, yes, I know, stupid idea.... stupid, stupid idea. But, *apparently,* there were some people that complained about the quality of our socks over on another site run by large, masculine women [Mulligan still doesn't seem to get there is no relation between amazon.com and Greek mythology. Just so you know, I really did try... but some battles just aren't worth the cost]. Carlisle insists that it is actually a decent company, despite the unnaturally virile ownership, but I just cannot see it. What kind of company allows customers to openly bash the products it sells? Absolute nonsense is the only way to describe it. In any case, Carlisle claims that the best way we can stop customers from badmouthing us on other sites is, surprisingly not through violence or any threat of violence, but rather by letting them complain to us instead. If people can complain to us, Carlisle claims they will be less likely to talk about us on other sites. Thus, the complaint department.

However, because I hate bad news, and because (let's be honest here), I'm not going to spend time reading a bunch of complaints, I've come up with what I view to be an entirely elegant compromise:
I've outsourced the complaint response department to India, and hired a call-center for the equivalent of a nickel an hour. I've also talked to my marketing gurus over in R and R (which, coincidently, I thought stood for rest and relaxation, but they corrected me and assured me that they are being paid to do something important. Never figure out exactly *what* that was....but oh well), and they informed me that the notion of a "complaint department" negative, and proceeded to do some sort of complex, demographically relevant survey. The data they came back to me with, informed me that a better name for our new complaint department is this:
Consumer Response and Survey Bureau 
Except in Indiana, where the apparently most demographically relevant name was:
El Talking Back Place 
I'll have to admit I was a little surprised [and I am going to have to look into the polling methods for our R and R department.... their results seem disturbingly familiar to those of most news network polls.... no way it can be a coincidence.]

Also, because I like compliments, the Consumer Response and Survey Bureau / El Talking Back Place also accepts compliments and constructive comments. Examples of a good constructive comment would be something like:

Your socks are way softer than those other brands.
or
Perhaps your socks could be used as a dog muzzle? (Side note: Carlisle, look into that one for a possible market).

Whereas a good compliment would be something like:
 You're awesome!
or
I wish you ruled the world! (And yes, Timmy, I do too).

So there you have it. When you send a complaint, comment, or compliment to the Mulligan Manufacturing Consumer Response and Survey Bureau, this is what will happen:

Agendas. Agenda? Agendae? Agendicon?

The day you thought would never come has arrived! Hahaha...Minions.
I'm excited. Carlisle is excited [I'm not], my mother is excited, my pet goldfish Sun Tzu is excited. You should be excited too!
Today, I am set to reveal, unveil, relinquish the air of mystery from, announce, etc., etc., blah blah syngeristic lingo blah blah blah...
Oh, hey! It's a Twinkie I didn't finish yesterday.... I wonder if it's still good [Does it matter?]....perhaps if I just... Yup! Still good.
Oh. Anyway. That's not what I'm revealing. What I'm revealing is so massively awe-inspiringly, hamburger-dropping awesome that not even Leonard Nemoy singing could ruin how great this is [...actually I'm pretty sure it would at least come close...]. I am revealing . . .


. . .wait for it . . .




. . .wait some more . . .

THE OFFICIAL MULLIGAN MANUFACTURING AGENDA LIST 

*You may scream and jump up and down excitedly with my pet Jack Russell terriers now*

[It's really not that big of a deal... his terriers jump up and down excitedly at anything. Even the thought of jumping up and down excitedly sets them off to it.]

1. Take over the world. Is any explanation needed?
2.  Sell more socks than Hanes. Or, alternately, buy Hanes, which would likely necessitate selling more socks than they do, so I think this can really just be chalked up to one point.
3. Start a second manufacturing plant in Australia. This is pretty much a rule of thumb among villains at this point. Once you rule the world, Australia is one of two things: A bargaining chip / consolation prize to give to the people that helped you take over the world, or a backup base of operations to fall back to if it turns out the worst possible scenario is true (that there are actually superheroes whose existence has been covered up by the government).
4.Trick anyone standing in my way to start a land war in Asia and then sit back and  watch the carnage flow. This really has nothing to do with the first three, but I think it would be a useful way to dispatch my enemies, as well as a good chance to watch exciting, live coverage on my 63in. HD Plasma while sipping a glass of iced tea. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.
5. Learn my grandmother's original strawberry milkshake recipe.  Okay, so this may not seem as important (or corporate) as my other points, but I consider this just as important as points 2-4. I even have half of my R and D team working on reverse engineering this on Saturdays.... curse those overtime laws... But it's worth it.
6. Get a Cat, and name it Hades. All the best villains have cats with awesome, powerful names. I may or may not call him Mr. Hadey-wadey when no one is around however....
7.Find a way to either train or mind control various terrifying animals (particularly clowns and monkeys), and use them as an overwhelming force of evil to complement my Penguin shock-troops.

Now that you have a better idea about what Mulligan is about, I would like to inform you that if you have any questions or comments, you know how to reach us, and if not, well, that's too bad  because it's obvious. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to run or I'll be late for my weekly corporate Zumba class. Bradley works us pretty hard and I don't want to get there late or I'll have to go solo for five minutes, and I don't feel like my moves are bamf enough yet. Till next time, Mwahaha!

Company structure.

While we are still working tirelessly on that Agenda list I may or may not have promised back in 2010, I have a special treat for you! I spent long and tireless hours on the below diagram, which charts the basic structure of Mulligan Manufacturing [I think he actually used Paint, and it took him maybe 5 minutes]. I am, of course, represented by the name of the company itself as its sole dictator and overlord (and boss-man, heck yeah). As you can see, we have our hands in a lot of things, and are proud to bring you the only quality socks and necessary apparel brought to you by a future world-dictator. I hope you appreciate this fact as much as I do. Similarly, I want to apologize for my long absence from this blog. I had a ton of business meetings to attend to since the holiday season [No he didn't... he just got Black Ops for his ps3 and has been playing it nonstop for nearly two months], and there was the matter of that project which fell through down on the fourth floor [Believe it or not, he means that it literally "fell through the floor." That was a crappy day...]. But, as that one guy said that one time, "I'm back baby!" Enjoy:

[Editorial note: I noticed on a later browse through, that I somehow while proof-reading  Mulligan's jpeg above neglected to correct "Assistant's duty's" to what it should be: "Assistant's duties." Considering it is describing my job, I find a slight hint of morbid irony to it....but only a slight hint. I apologize for any damage my negligence may have done to your grammatical sensibilities. -Carlisle]

Kung-fu Penguin Socks on the Agenda

Happy slave labor to you all, on this contemptible November day.
I must confess that I have been swamped with various world ruling projects recently, that I have failed to finish that list of agendas (agendae? I can never remember which words follow Latin pluralizing in English or not...) I promised. But never you worry, your evil warlord (that's me in case that mind control device hasn't begun to work yet), will have it out in no time.

Meanwhile, I must say that I never imagined to many socks to be sold around the holiday season! You'd think it was cold outside or something, it's absolutely absurd! We sold our entire stock and have had to begin rush manufacturing. Which reminds me, I need to find Carlisle and tell him to take that infernal one-day rush shipping option off of our website. [Editor's note: I just though that since Amazon has it... we'd want to stay competitive] I don't really care what hifalutin website with a jingle has it, we're not able to keep up with all of the web-savvy grandmothers that buy our wool novelty reindeer knee-socks. And you can tell that to Carlisle. [Does he even remember that he sends these posts to me to edit?]

All of these things aside, I was watching Kill Bill the other day, and realized how imperative it is that I learn how to use a Katana effectively. Seriously, if I don't, how will I possibly stand a chance defending myself against kung-fu style assassins? It could be my biggest weakness.... therefore, I am announcing today that I am beginning kung-fu mastery training and katana-swinging awesomeness. Or whatever you call that. Also, I'm ordering a bulk shipment of black lights for my practice room. Which I'm building. Buckle up world, the first ever bad-ass villain with kung-fu and katana skilz, paired with a western business savvy, and ancient magicks in the form of unholy dragon power and chaos-inducing existentialism is coming your way [editorial censorship for: plot points to be revealed later for dramatic effect]. It's going to be crazy awesome, Like an all out Penguin vs. Polar Bear war for Eastern Europe. That's all for now.

Agendas and Mottos.

Carlisle and I have been working tirelessly on an agenda list and a new company motto today. [Editor's note: Technically, I was working hard on both of those things while Mulligan played Tetris on his iphone and pitched absolutely useless mottos at me that he became enamored with. Thus, number four below. Consequently, number two is also lacking in originality]. I thought I would share my top five with you below. Carlisle disagrees with me on nearly all of them, but that's alright. It's not like he's paid to think freely, right? [Actually....ah, nevermind. It's not worth the four hours of Minion Training Seminars...] Anywhoop, here they are in favourite to least favourite order:

1: Mulligan Manufacturing: We make evil look good.
2: Mulligan Manufacturing: Everything is Proceeding as We Have Foreseen
3: Mulligan Manufacturing: The Malevolent Wareaxe to Humanity's Inherent Bardliness.
4: Mulligan Manufacturing: We Wipe the Floor with that Infernal Game, Tetris.
5: Mulligan Manufacturing: Ruling the World, One Sock at a Time
6: Mulligan Manufacturing: We Desire to Rule Over You Because We Care

On a side note, our agenda list is coming along smoothly, and we should have at least a beta version for you by the end of the week. But who am I kidding....it's not like I actually care what you think. Haha. Ha. . . . .
But still, that is something to look forward to.

Greetings Minions.

Or rather, potential employees. My name is Dark Lord Mulligan, and my head of PR here at Mulligan Manufacturing thinks that it would benefit my goals to do a little bit of a "get to know you" campaign via what he calls the "blogsphere." I'm ambivalent...but no matter. I suppose a little so-called "viral marketing" couldn't hurt (which, I am being told, surprisingly, has nothing to do with threats of biological warfare).

So, in response to all of these things, I must admit to you that, yes, I am evil, yes, we do have cookies, and yes, I am awesome. Check that... Carlisle is informing me that we are currently out of cookies. But, I believe it would not be out of the question that, if you do decide to come to the Darkside (i.e. join me), we almost certainly will be able to get you in touch with some cookies. What exactly we are "about," I will be describing to you in the coming weeks, (though to be honest, to describe to you anything more than "ruling the world" seems unnecessary and borderline extravagant). Such a description is made necessary primarily because the folks over at the Evil League of Evil  have standards for this sort of thing, and apparently any sort of public address or new marketing technique that comes into contact with large sections of the public must contain a formal statement of evil intentions (Evil Leage of Evil Manifesto Section 13, Paragraph 7, 1.1.14). Thankfully, Carlisle has read through those documents for me [Editor (Carlisle)'s note: All 1043 pages of it, in addition to all the secondary treatises, laws, and rules of misconduct. I also, ironically, am editing this blog], and has assured me that we are following regulation.

Until next time, this is your evil genius, Dark Lord Mulligan, signing off. Mwaha. *cough*